I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize