I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
