i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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