sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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