I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
zippers are such a cool invention
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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