Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
