3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
