good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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