Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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