I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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