Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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