if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize