so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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