That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize