You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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