she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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