my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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