Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
