You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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