he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
