You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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