nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
