drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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