Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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