Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
