I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
