oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
