I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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