i just had sex bonerless
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
