I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
