come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
