Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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