My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
