70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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