i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
