So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
