Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
