best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
