I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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