This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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