he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize