What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
no more duck duck goose at the bar
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I lost the right to judge tonight
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
