just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
