She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
