I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
