U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
