if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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