i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
dude. I can hear the air.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
