So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
