We're facebook friends in real life
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
