new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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