how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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