I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
