everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
