Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
