so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
