You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
