you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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