I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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