just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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